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Sep. 11th, 2006 @ 06:11 am
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Yesterday i had one of those days that can only happen in one place in the entire world, and you feel so lucky for having been able to be in that place.
Firstly, on saturday, i found out that i failed the bar exam. But I failed it in such an infuriating way. Let me explain. In order to pass, you have to score at least 258. My score was 270. That sounds fantastic, right? WRONG! a sub rule, designed to make you think that you picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue, to give you a raw feeling right in your anus from being fucked by 2x4, is that at least 129 of those points must be from the essay section. What did i get on the essay section? 125. yep. i failed by four points. four fucking points. fuck you very much bar examiners. eat a big pile of shit and choke on it.
Lucky for me, E let me bawl all morning and then he had to put up my endless questions of "do you think i'm stupid?" Then we got drunk, watched rugby and he cooked me a big dinner saturday night. On sunday, he took me to Hermanus, which is like whale capital of the world. it was unreal. When we first got to the town, it was overcast and we were doubtful about seeing whales. But we got out of the car, glanced over at the bay, and there they were!!!! WHALES! right there! in the water!!
They were everywhere! there were at least 20 swimming around, frolicking in the bay. they were jumping and slapping their tales in the water, rolling around, waving fins in the air. it was incredible. and you could see them all right from where we were sitting on the edge of the cliffs.
On the way home we drove through the Khayelitsha Township. we didn't actually drive into it, but the highway goes right thru the middle of it. It's gigantic, it took about a half an hour to drive through it, going highway speeds.
The townships are so fascinating to me. The fact that they still exist wows me. And i have absolutely no concept of how utterly dangerous they are. Apparently, people throw rocks at the windshields of passing cars in order to get the cars to stop so they can hijack them. When we drove to Jeffrey's bay a few weekends ago, someone threw something at the car's windshield, and E told me all about this particular form of violence. A few weeks ago, someone threw a big rock at a passing car and it smashed through the windshield and hit the little boy in the passenger's seat in the face. And yet, i want to go the townships, because that's the South Africa that i learned about.
half way thru, we saw the aftermath of an accident, i was snapping pics of the township right as we drove by the accident scene. this is the picture i caught in the sequence of township pics.
When we finally got home, we watched Tsotsi. absolutely incredible. Especially after having just driven through Khayelitsha. If you haven't seen Tsotsi, see it. It's an incredible story, so unfortunate because township life is so unforgiving. But an amazing movie as well. I thought about things i had seen in Chicago, people's lives on the southside, how filled with crime it was. It's nothing compared to the townships. Think about the average depiction of american ghetto life. Now imagine 35% less men because they've been killed by random violence. Not drug related violence, just violent crime driven by an absolute desperation for money. Now imagine 35 % less women because they've died from AIDS. Now imagine gangs of children living together in discarded boxes or sewer pipes. This american idea we have of the disintegration of the family and it's effects on crime is nothing compared to the reality in the townships. |
It feels nice to be far from home.
E took me around Cape Town yesterday. We went to a craft market in the center of town. Funny enough, the crafts they sold looked EXACTLY like the crafts they had in Tanzania. Perhaps i should have just waited until these authentic African crafts were available at Pier 1 imports. Anyway, it was a wonderful day. I saw a bunch of groups of children dancing for money:
Later, we walked by the Town Hall, where Nelson Mandela gave his first speech after being released from prison.
in his speech, he said "Our march toward freedom is irreversible. We must not allow fear to stand in our way...I have fought against white domination, and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunity. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But, if need be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die."
Later on, E drove me around Table Mountain to see the ocean. Some incredibly intelligent person placed benches along the roadway so that people could stop and watch the sun set over the ocean, with Table Mountain behind them.
So we stopped and made out like teenagers as the sun set.
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yesterday i watched the South African version of Sesame Street, Takalani Sesame.
It's totally a knock off Sesame Street, they even have a red muppet with a high squeeky voice named Lemo. The strange thing is, half the time they teach kids about numbers and letters, and the other half of the time they talk about AIDS. One of the muppets even has AIDS. the little short films segments are about little kids who have AIDS. It's encouraging, yet really really depressing. It's encouraging that it's constantly discussed, that people are constantly aware that this epidemic is everywhere around them. But it so incredibly depressing that it is all around them. Children are being taught how to interact with other children with HIV because there are so many children with HIV that it is almost impossible not to know another child with HIV. I mean, they even had a skit about what to do if one of your friends cuts herself on the playground. I know HIV/AIDS is a huge problem in Africa, especially in South Africa but i didn't realize how pervasive the AIDS dialogue is in the media. I think that's great. In the US i felt like we acknowledged the existence of AIDS, we acknowledged that it was killing people, even young straight people. But once we acknowledged it, we decided we didn't have to talk about it again.
Not so here. Yet, the government's position on HIV/AIDS is alarming. Beetroot and garlic? Deputy Prime Ministers telling the public they can have unprotected sex with HIV+ women and stay healthy if they take a shower immediately afterwards?? In a way, it's also encouraging to see people take it upon themselves to do something about a terrible pandemic when it appears that the government is just being stupid and not only failing to protect people, but proactively endangering them with misinformation. |
Now that I’m somewhat sorted in Cape Town, I can finally recount my experience of being in the refugee camp that is Heathrow.
I had the unfortunate experience of being stuck at Heathrow on the very day that they busted the plot. After flying all night from Chicago, without any sleep, we had to sit on the runway for an additional hour while they told us absolutely nothing about what was going on. Blah blah blah, it was really crowded and I had to sit on the concrete in front of the terminal for about 7 hours, this stuff you already know about.
What you may not know, what I didn’t realize until I became a pitiable wretch, is that media people are a bunch of fucking assholes. Here’s my situation: I’ve been on a plane for 7 hours, no sleep and shitty airplane food only. I’m now stuck outside with no access to food or shower. I can't do anything but sit there. Cops with big fuckin' guns are walking past me every 5 minutes. I don’t have any idea what has happened, no one will tell me anything. The press bastards arrive and decide they want to interview the guy I’m sitting next to. Instead of asking me nicely to scoot over a few inches so the cameraman could get the angle he wanted, he just bashed his backpack into my face until I moved on my own. Thanks a lot, you piece of shit. Why don’t you step on my hand while you’re at it.
(this is the piece of shit who kicked me while i was down. Bastard. Yeah, i took his picture, how does it feel, shithead? you're a piece of meat now, just like me, and i'm gonna exploit your image on my tiny blog to make me feel better about your treating me like a piece of meat to be bashed about with your back pack. Prick.)
Apparently, when you’re in a situation like I found myself in, you have no right to your own image. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by camera men who were desperate to film me resting my head against my suitcase. But none of them asked, they just pointed their giant cameras at me until they got enough.
What I found the most disturbing was that prior to the press’s arrival, everything was very calm, no one was screaming or hyperventilating. Everyone was just sitting calmly, smoking cigarettes, waiting for their flights to be called. But when the press came they ran around shouting at each other, shouting at the airport people who were sent out to deal with them. It became comical. I was interviewed by ABC, NBC, BBC, a Canadian channel, a German channel and some guy who spoke Spanish. Each one of them wanted me to tell them how terrified I was of terrorism or flying and they all pretended to have great concern for my plight. Only one, the BBC woman who interviewed me, was kind enough to tell me what had happened. I really couldn’t help but laugh. They asked the guy sitting next to me to model the plastic carry- on bag they were allowing us to use to carry our passports and boarding passes in. He had to pose for about 15 minutes while he was surrounded by unimaginative cameramen who all wanted the same photograph of the plastic bag.
I took away a general disgust for news people. I felt exploited, I felt as if they were asking me to be dishonest in order to make their story more interesting. I felt like they had no empathy for our situation, as I was repeatedly shushed for telling a woman where the bathroom was while someone near me was being filmed. Not to mention that FUCKING ASSHOLE who bashed me in the face with his fucking backpack. Oh yeah, I’m holding a grudge against that motherfucker. I should have maced him and then blamed it on the trauma of flying in the 21st century. |
Never buy condoms at Wal-Mart. Saying it out loud, DUH, it’s so obvious it’s a maxim, but when you’ve got a budget and you’re driving past the Wal-Mart on your way to some place else, suddenly, it seems like a wise thing to do.
I’m comfortable with myself, I’m comfortable buying condoms. I can walk up to the counter and place my purchase down without having to hide it under a People Magazine or a bag of m&ms. Today it was even a double whammy, condoms AND astroglide. So I waltz up to the counter with an “oh yeah, I’m getting some” attitude, but I get stuck behind a family of hillbillies who have just blown their entire welfare check on a Wal-Mart shopping spree. AND they’re writing a check for their $300 purchase. Wal-Mart, hillbillies and checks should be in the same category as octogenarian drivers and lines at the DMV, they are infuriating things to encounter, but when you get stuck behind one, you’re just stuck in a limbo. It takes all your strength to keep from chewing your own tongue off. Pure agony.
I’m fine, I’m cool, I’m a young modern woman buying her own condoms (yeah, but at Wal-Mart, [shut up, brain!]). My confidence starts to shake a little when hillbilly wife gets asked for her drivers license, phone number and stool sample, and suddenly two more hillbillies get in line behind me. They refuse to put their shit on the conveyer belt. Whatever, I’m cool, I’m a young modern woman, buying her own condoms (they’re calling me a fornicator with their minds! I can feel it!) Suddenly I can hear hushed voices behind me as the second pair of hillbillies whisper their hillbilly whispers about my giant pack of condoms. Maybe it was the astroglide. But I’m fine, I’m cool, they think I’m a communist witch and they’re going to stone me to death in the parking lot.
Finally, after the first hillbilly family is given a four yard long receipt, they leave and it’s my turn. And I had the absolute coolest clerk ever. A middle aged black woman named Silvia, St. Silvia, saved me. She grabbed my box of condoms and glanced up at me with a sly smile as she said “Price check on a box of…..ha, just kidding.” She then proceeded to tell me that an older clerk did that to some poor kid because she didn’t know what these things were. I love Sylvia. As I took my receipt, St. Sylvia told me to enjoy my night. |
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Well, i failed the bar exam. Please don't anyone comment that they're sure i did fine, because i have never been so certain of anything in my life. how the fuck do you have 15 questions on takings?? where are all the questions that i studied for? why the hell you gotta pull the most obscure shit out of your asses?? don't you want my bar dues?? fuckers. And i discovered that none of the people grading the exams actually took the bar exam. fuck them all, they should all burn in hell like the assholes that they are.
two weeks until South Africa. THANK GOD. cuz....it's not just two weeks until I get to see the country I've been wanting to see since about 13 years of age, it's two weeks until I get some major hot and heavy lovin. And until i get my hot and heavy lovin, cape town is just gonna have to wait. I don't plan on seeing the light of day for at least 24 hours after arrival.
Jul. 30th, 2006 @ 11:52 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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jesus christ, one day left before the bar exam. time for the biggest freak out y'all have ever seen.
i hope i'll live to see wednesday evening.
Jul. 23rd, 2006 @ 10:16 pm
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| » more evidence of crack use by grandfather |
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tonight, while watching his favorite channel (besides Fox News, that is), Lifetime, television for women, my grandfather said,
"i've never met a man who combs his hair over his forehead that i agreed with."
Jul. 21st, 2006 @ 10:31 pm
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| » Do |
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I love Vice. I saw it for the first time at a shitty apartment in Chicago, where I spent too much time doing too many stupid things.
Anyway, I had a bunch of thoughts about this “DO.”
"Dear Girls,
If you’re curious as to what goes on in a boy’s brain 24 hours a day, it is this. She is the personification of fucking. "
Of course it was followed by a line of comments like “she’s gross,” “she probably smells nasty,” “I’d fuck her if I were drunk.” Those people are idiots. They miss the point. The comment doesn’t say she is the personification of someone you want to fuck, it says she’s the personification of fucking. I think they’re right.
Maybe she’s not the personification of all fucking, but she’s the personification of fun fucking. This is not mysterious fuck a stranger sex. This is not angry sex. It’s fun sex, the kind where you and your partner can’t wait to get each other’s clothes off and you’re excited and at some point there’s laughing, but good laughing, not “god, that’s the smallest penis I’ve ever seen” laughing.
But what makes her the personificiation of fucking? It’s more than just the pose she’s striking and it’s more than the fact the her shirt is in danger of giving way. I would dissect the picture to discuss the separate elements that make her the personification of fucking but the cumulative effect of these separate elements do not give her her quality. Everything about this woman is welcoming and unashamed, which all good fucking should be. “Come on in,” she says as she opens her legs a little wider, “don’t you worry about a thing.”
Jul. 21st, 2006 @ 11:23 am
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| » arts and crafts for sexual deviants |
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i saw this at the fabric store that i went into to buy thread.
Hey kids! i have a great idea....you know those boring old flip flops you've got on your feet? Why don't we make them "fun" by decorating them with our pubic hair!
hurrrraaaaaay!!
the best part about this "craft" idea is that they could have chosen any number of yarn colors to decorate the sample flip flops with. Blue, green, purple, orange all would be valid choices, and summer choices, mind you. Instead, they went with yarn that is the same color as people's hair.
Jul. 19th, 2006 @ 10:30 pm
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| » Who is my daddy? |
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for years i have wondered....i've never known and it's always been a strange secret in my family. only at age 21 did my mother finally tell me a little about him. I've always wanted to know who he was, tell him about me, see if he was proud.
after a lifetime of wanting to know...i have never wanted to unknow something as much as I do now.....damn you blogthings.....damn you to hell.
| Your Daddy Is Dick Cheney | 
What You Call Him: Dada
Why You Love Him: He takes you to church |
Dear god, no....NO........NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Jul. 19th, 2006 @ 12:06 am
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| » Kung fu and blackouts |
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My grandparents really are funny.
my grandma and I went to lunch on saturday. We went to my favorite Mongolian BBQ place where they have an all you can eat buffet that my grandma likes. She waited on the edge of her seat for them to bring out these spicy chicken wings that she loves. When they brought the new tray of food, she remarked, "No....that's that other dish with the peapods and the baby corn and the Kung fu"
i overheard my grandfather shouting at the tv that same afternoon, "that jerk has been a jerk since he was born."
Last night we had a blackout. it affected only our block, the rest of the neighborhood had lights, the bastards. I have always hated blackouts at my grandparents house because they sit in the dark, in silence, until the lights come on again. My grandfather won't even permit any of us to light candles because he's terrified the entire house will burn down. In fact, he claimed during an argument with my grandmother last night about candle lighting, that he read in the paper that all house fires are caused by people lighting candles. I honestly think he does crack when the rest of us aren't looking.
Jul. 10th, 2006 @ 11:15 am
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| » this is why my life sucks right now |
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this is an actual practice question for the fucking bar exam....
Flatville was in the 150th day of its drought, with no end in sight according to the meteorologists, when Hank, a local farmer, learned about a scientist who claimed to have perfected a rainmaking machine. Leon, the scientist, came to Flatville in response to Hank's telegram. Hank entered into an agreement with Leon to pay Leon to make it rain, but did not specify an amount of payment or any deadline by which it must rain. After several days of trying without success, Leon said that the machine might work better at a higher elevation, such as the farm of Hank's neighbor, Will. Will readily agreed to let Leon use the land and further told Leon, "If you make it rain by tomorrow night, I'll pay you $20,000." Leon placed the machine on Will's land. By nightfall, clouds had begun to gather over Flatville, and the next morning it was pouring rain.
If Hank refuses to pay Leon anything, can Leon recover damages from Hank?
a) no, because Leon cannot prove conclusively that he caused the rain
b) No, because Leon's agreement with Hank did not specify the amount to be paid
c) Yes, he will recover a reasonable price for his services under the contract
d) Yes, he will recover his normal fee for rainmaking.
what the fuck? At this point i'm not sure if I'm on crack or if the bar examiners are on crack.
Jul. 2nd, 2006 @ 10:52 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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hmmm, i guess i'm not Sisyphus in law school anymore.....what am i?
update about my life:
I graduated from law school. i had a big sobbing fest right after the ceremony because it was utterly NOT what i had hoped for. absolutely no one made any sort of a deal about the thing, which made me feel like the most unimportant person on the planet. Thanks family. everyone was sure to remind me what a favor it was to show up. When my mom graduated from law school, i believe she got a car. I got a pen with my name on it.
I'm currently studying for the bar exam. it's kicking my ass. it's the stupidest exam on the planet. for example: No state in the union uses the common law definitions of crimes anymore. ALL of them have their own statutes that define the elements of each crime. What must we memorize for the bar exam? the common law definitions of crimes. So, we're responsible for remembering that under the common law, burglary can only happen at night, even tho none of the states retain that definition. Furthermore, the bar examiners play all sorts of little tricks on test takers, like the material isn't overwhelming enough, you have play grammar games with us too? fuckers.
So....fuck them all, i'm going to South Africa. August 9th. I'm beyond excited. Hopefully i'll be able to find a job and stay for a while.
Jun. 29th, 2006 @ 09:48 am
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| » I'm a fo-real writer! |
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i think it's about time i regularly try to pull myself out of the pit and update this thing on a semi-regular basis.
Most important news first, and much delayed....i've been published in a newspaper!! It's rather unbelievable, but totally true. The day al Zarqawi died, i sent E a long email about what i thought of the whole thing. He liked the email so much that he passed it on to an editor of a local newspaper. The editor liked it, or needed to fill some space and she PUBLISHED IT!!!! my god! and if i haven't said this enough, i absolutely love E. How cool is he? what an amazing guy. Anyway, so the day the newspaper came out, he sent me pics, which i have provided below. more updates will come soon, i need to get back to studying.
what's that in the bottom left corner?
a close-up
Jun. 28th, 2006 @ 03:30 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Lyrics to live by in the coming months:
There may be mermaids under the water
There may even be a man in the moon
But Vincent, time is running out
You better get yourself together soon
Mar. 31st, 2006 @ 04:10 pm
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| » Was this review helpful to you? |
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I told my family didn't want anything for my birthday, so they gave me an envelope full of cash for a digital camera. I have no idea what to look for. I always thought of an expensive digital camera as something I'd like to have, but wouldn't buy unless I won the lottery. And i don't play the lottery. So i never took the time to think about what I'd want in a digital camera. I've been reading consumer reviews all night and then i found this review:
I oder 2 month before come out read some stuff one webside told very think show pictures sony camera can do think like canon i go for so bad for S80 very think have canon is good for printer canon have canon photo ip8500 pixma fast with out computer just usb This camera have best chip Super jpg no problem so ever Many think red eyes off on The best think is dark plces take the hot pictures is normal if you take in dark room is like you did with light .
Go for is camera if you have many.
Too bad the website didn't have a "HELL NO, i don't even know what the fuck this guy is saying" button after "Was this review helpful to you?"
I actually think this review belongs on www.engrish.com
Mar. 8th, 2006 @ 11:30 pm
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| » Hitchhiker's Guide |
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I just started reading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I know i know...this is probably something i should have read when i was 14.
Whatever, i won't apologize for my teenage way of thinking. But E and I watched the movie a few months ago and I actually laughed my ass off. So i picked up the book the other day and started reading it.
I know this book is part of most people's histories, they've read it a million times, etc etc. But, this is my first time, and I just thought this particular part seemed so right.
"The President in particular is very much a figurehead-he wields no real power whatsoever. He is apparently chosen by the government, but the qualities he is required to display are not those of leadership but those of finely judged outrage. For this reason the President is always a controversial choice, always an infuriating but fascinating character. His job is not to wield power but to draw attention away from it."
Mar. 6th, 2006 @ 10:02 pm
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| » Mondegreen Monday, take one |
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This is not a rare phenomenon for me, so I figured I'd use it as a motivation to post more often. So here it is....the first installment of MONDEGREEN MONDAY!!!
This one isn't a funny one. Sometimes I hear a lyric that just CANNOT be what I think it is. Other times, I sing a lyric for years, thinking it makes total sense, and then I go to karaoke and, to my surprise, the lyrics are complete different. This is one such example.
When E was here we were obsessed...no seriously, OBSESSED with Arcade Fire. I played "Wake Up" for him on one of the first mornings and he was hooked. Prior to that, three of their songs seemed to be stuck in a loop in my ipod. Every time i was studying, he'd steal my ipod to listen to the song....We listened to it in the car religiously.
The song has this great build up...almost too slow of a build up, so when it finally breaks loose it's exciting. the only flaw with the song is that right when it becomes brilliant, the song ends. But it ends with a fantastic lyric, and every time it played in the car E and I would loudly sing
"You gotta look out for love!!!"
Sadly, E had to return home and I couldn't really listen to the song anymore, it made me miss him too much. He still listened to it because it reminded him of me and discovered, much to our disappointment, that the great lyrics at the end of the song are
"You better look out below!!"
This was upsetting...it almost changed the song for me. I still like the song, but the real lyrics didn't have the same punch that "you gotta look out for love" had.
Mar. 6th, 2006 @ 10:09 am
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| » more like Resident Suck. |
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I watched resident evil 2 earlier this evening. I don't even know why. I've never played the video game, I haven't seen first one...it really makes NO SENSE. In the words of "men on film," "hated it."
1. NO WOMAN can fight anything in a tube top and a 2 inch long miniskirt. The fact that she's wearing comabt boots does not compensate for the constant exposure issues of a tube top.
2. zombies are NOT hard to escape from....any motherfucker who gets
attacked by a swarm of zombies is a dumbshit and deserves to get eaten anyway.
3. it is not necessary for scantily clad women to flash sultry looks every single time they are on camera.
4. slow motion is not required for every action sequence.
5. every other fancy technique used for the action sequences was done waaaaay better in the Matrix and then was copied by every other actionmovie subsequent.
6. Mila Jovavich has a fucked up mouth.
7. EVERYFUCKINGONE saw the big dramatic revelation at the end of the movie ten minutes after the movie started.
8. and why is the big all-mouth nemesis thing wearing a dress?
Prior to this i watched another awful movie called Havoc, which I believe is supposed to be about Anne Hathaway's ass crack, as it was on screen as much as her face was.
Mar. 2nd, 2006 @ 12:58 am
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